How to Give Feedback People Can Actually Hear and Act On

A Research-Backed Framework for Leaders to Reduce Defensiveness and Move Conversations Forward

Imagine you need to give feedback to someone on your team.

They are capable. They care about their work. But something needs to change.

Maybe they missed an important detail.

Maybe the way they handled a situation created confusion.

Maybe their performance simply is not where it needs to be.

So you prepare for the conversation.

You start by acknowledging what they are doing well. Then you explain what needs to improve. You try to be direct, balanced, and constructive.

You leave thinking the conversation went reasonably well.

But the behavior does not change.

Or worse, the person becomes defensive.

They explain why the situation was not their fault. They question your interpretation. They leave discouraged rather than motivated.

Sound familiar?

Most leaders assume the challenge is what feedback to give.

But there is another question we should be asking:

What makes feedback possible for someone to actually hear, process, and act on?

Research offers some important clues.

Feedback Can Trigger a Fight-or-Flight Response

We often assume that if feedback is accurate and well-intentioned, it should help someone improve.

But the brain does not always respond that way.

Research findings summarized by psychology and business professor Richard Boyatzis offer an important insight into what can happen when people are asked to focus on what is wrong and what needs to be fixed.

In one study, researchers examined two different types of conversations.

One group was asked about their aspirations, strengths, and what they hoped to accomplish.

Another group was asked about what they were doing wrong and what they needed to fix.

Researchers monitored what happened in the brain during these conversations.

The difference was significant.

Conversations focused on problems and deficiencies activated the sympathetic nervous system, associated with the brain’s fight-or-flight response. When that threat response is activated, the cognitive processes needed for openness and learning can be inhibited.

Think about what that means for leaders.

The very conversation intended to help someone learn can make learning more difficult.

That does not mean leaders should avoid difficult feedback.

It means how we approach feedback matters.

Positive + Negative Does Not Necessarily Equal Effective Feedback

Many leaders have been taught to balance critical feedback with positive feedback.

Say something good.

Address what needs improvement.

End on something positive.

The intention makes sense.

But simply mixing positive and negative feedback does not guarantee that the person receiving it will accept the feedback or know what to do differently.

Research published by faculty members at Australia’s Melbourne Business School examined where performance feedback conversations go wrong and how they can be made more effective.

Across the research, recipients of mixed and negative feedback were more likely to doubt the accuracy of the feedback and question the credibility of the person providing it.

Even more surprisingly, disagreement about past performance could actually increase after the feedback conversation.

Think about that.

Two people enter a conversation seeing a situation differently.

They spend time discussing what happened and why.

And instead of moving closer together, they can leave further apart.

The manager explains why the employee needs to improve.

The employee explains why the situation happened.

Before long, the conversation becomes a debate about the past rather than a path toward better performance.

The research also revealed something much more useful.

People were more motivated to improve when they perceived the conversation to be focused on future actions rather than past performance.

That gives leaders an important clue.

The goal of feedback should not simply be to explain what went wrong.

It should help someone understand what happened, why it matters, and what needs to happen next.

The Goal Is Not to Win the Argument About the Past

Imagine an employee misses an important deadline.

A manager could say:

“You need to be more accountable. You waited too long to raise the issue, and you need to manage your time better.”

There may be legitimate concerns behind that statement.

But notice how quickly the conversation can become about defending interpretations.

I am accountable.

The other team was late.

I had competing priorities.

No one told me the deadline could not move.

Now both people are explaining their version of what happened.

And the original purpose of the conversation, improving future performance, begins to disappear.

A more effective conversation starts somewhere else.

With what you actually observed.

With the impact.

And with what needs to happen next.

So How Should Leaders Give Feedback?

Over the last 20 cohorts of N-BAC’s Embark leadership development program, we have taught leaders that effective feedback requires more than telling someone what they did well or what they need to improve.

Leaders need to ground feedback in what they actually know, reduce unnecessary defensiveness, focus on observable impact, move the conversation toward the future, and help people take ownership of what happens next.

We bring these principles together in the N-BAC FORWARD Framework:

F – Frame feedback as reaction, not truth

O – Focus on observable impact

R – Refocus on the future

W – Work through questions, not answers

A – Activate ownership and commitment

R – Reinforce strengths and what works

D – Drive action forward

When it comes specifically to giving feedback, the first three principles provide a practical place to start.

1. Frame Feedback as Reaction, Not Truth

One of the biggest problems with feedback is that we often present our interpretation as though it is objective truth.

You are not strategic.

You are careless.

You are not communicating effectively.

But our evaluations of other people are not as objective as we often assume.

Research on what is known as the Idiosyncratic Rater Effect has shown that a significant portion of how we rate another person can reflect us as the rater: our own standards, perceptions, tendencies, and definitions of what “good” looks like.

That does not mean feedback is meaningless.

It means leaders need to distinguish between what they observed and what they concluded.

Compare:

“You are careless.”

with:

“I noticed three errors in the report.”

One labels the person.

The other describes what you observed.

Or compare:

“You are not strategic.”

with:

“In the last three project meetings, you presented the issue, but I did not hear a recommendation for how we should move forward.”

One presents a judgment as truth.

The other gives the person something specific they can understand and respond to.

Effective feedback requires the humility to recognize:

My experience is real. My interpretation may not be the whole truth.

That is why the first principle of FORWARD™ is to frame feedback as reaction, not truth.

2. Focus on Observable Impact

Once you separate observation from judgment, ground the conversation in what actually happened and why it mattered.

A simple structure we teach leaders is SBIR: Situation → Behavior → Impact → Request.

Start with the first three:

Situation: When and where did the behavior occur?

Behavior: What specifically did you observe?

Impact: What effect did it have on the work, team, client, or outcome?

For example:

“In yesterday’s client update, when the report was shared after the agreed deadline, it delayed the review process and meant we had to rush the discussion during the meeting.”

Notice what is not there.

No blame.

No label.

No assumption about why the person was late.

Just what happened and the observable impact.

Grounding feedback this way moves the conversation away from:

“Here is what I think is wrong with you.”

and toward:

“Here is what happened, and here is why it matters.”

That is a very different conversation.

3. Refocus on the Future

The final element of SBIR is the Request.

Once someone understands what happened and why it mattered, do not spend the rest of the conversation debating the past.

Move the conversation forward.

In the same example, you might ask:

“Going forward, what would help ensure updates are ready on time so we can use the meeting more effectively?”

The request does something important.

It shifts the conversation from:

Who was right about what happened?

to:

What needs to happen next?

That does not mean ignoring accountability for the past.

It means using the past in service of better future performance.

This is also consistent with what the Melbourne Business School research found: people were more motivated to improve when feedback conversations were perceived as focused on future action rather than simply revisiting past performance.

So when giving feedback:

Frame your perspective carefully.

Focus on observable impact.

Refocus the conversation on what happens next.

Good Feedback Is Only the Beginning

Giving feedback is one of the most important responsibilities a leader has.

But delivering the message is not the same as creating change.

You can say exactly what you believe someone needs to hear and still fail to help them improve.

A better question is not simply:

“Did I give the feedback?”

It is:

“Did I create a conversation that helped this person understand the impact and see a productive path forward?”

The first three elements of the N-BAC FORWARD™ Framework help leaders do that.

But even when someone understands what needs to change, there is another challenge.

Knowing what needs to change does not automatically mean someone knows how to change it.

And this is where many leaders make another common mistake.

They immediately provide the answer.

They tell the person exactly what to do next.

Sometimes that is necessary.

But if our goal is to develop people who can think, solve problems, take ownership, and lead, feedback alone is not enough.

At some point, the leader has to stop providing all the answers and start helping the other person think.

That is where coaching begins.

And that is where the remaining elements of FORWARD™ come into play:

Work through questions, not answers.

Activate ownership and commitment.

Reinforce strengths and what works.

Drive action forward.

That is a conversation for the next article.

Develop Leaders Who Can Move Conversations Forward

N-BAC’s Embark: Lead with Influence helps managers and emerging leaders develop the practical capabilities required to lead effectively up, across, and down, including emotional intelligence, managing up, strategic communication, feedback, coaching, and developing others.

Across 20 cohorts, Embark has helped leaders strengthen how they navigate the real conversations and leadership moments that determine whether teams align, grow, and perform.

Through live practice, assessments, reflection, and practical frameworks such as N-BAC FORWARD™, participants move beyond knowing what good leadership looks like to practicing how to lead differently.

Private Embark cohorts are available for organizations looking to build these capabilities across their managers and emerging leaders.

Learn more about bringing Embark: Lead with Influence to your organization.